26/12/2013 @ 0:41 ♥ 313
sad girls club
i wrote an email to my ex-boyfriend at 5am on christmas
"an exercise in closure"
so i’m not sure what i’m hoping to accomplish with this email but i think i need to write/type everything down in order to let my brain move on. i’m not sure if i’ll send this or not. i’ve been lying awake on this couch in my parents’ basement for a while now. it’s christmas. and i can’t stop thinking about all of these things i want to say to you.
i feel so much anger and resentment toward you and i’m not sure how i’m supposed to process it. i’ve tried to pretend you don’t exist or you’re dead or something i don’t know but it doesn’t work. maybe i’m just in this weird winter time funk. maybe it’s because it was your birthday two days ago. maybe it’s just a coincidence that you keep constantly popping into my head. i mean, we only broke up 3 months ago… i calculated the time that had passed on some website, plugged in the dates between then and now.
i think about how much i loved you and how much i still love you and i get so mad. i don’t want you to have that. i don’t want to give you the satisfaction of knowing how much i miss you. and it sucks. because i’m telling you. and the way things ended was so shitty. so shitty i had to move away to deal with it. i thought physical distance would be enough.
i resented you a lot in our relationship too. i felt like i didn’t have my own interests or friends or that i wasn’t cool enough or smart enough or that you were ashamed of who i was and how i interacted with people on the internet or maybe i took too many selfles… the list could go on. so i projected all of those insecurities onto you and then tried to make you feel bad for the things you liked. i mean, we have almost nothing in common. aside from getting along super well and thinking each other is sexy and funny… but for real… i felt like maybe you didn’t even like the work that i made? and i mean liking the same stuff and the same music and whatever shouldn’t really matter, that’s all so superficial… it’s irrelevant. i forced myself to do the things you wanted to do and lost myself somewhere along the way. and it wasn’t your fault necessarily. i’m sorry if i ever made you feel bad about liking the things you liked. i don’t think you ever made me feel bad directly about liking what i did… although i still think about that time you deleted those pictures of me on instagram and i still get mad about it even though like hello, it’s instagram. i hope this is all making some kind of sense.
i feel like the more i do things for me and the more time i spend with myself and the more i learn to navigate this world on my own the happier i am and the more i can reflect on the past and what went wrong. and i’m not going to pretend like outside factors (people) didn’t affect the demise of our relationship, unfortunately, but i wont touch on that any further in this email.
i got so mad after texting you happy birthday the other night. i got mad at how you responded and then felt stupid for even reaching out to you in the first place. and maybe the only reason i’m writing this email is about what you said that night i saw you. i know you meant it and that’s why i’m so confused. i don’t know what i want from you but i know that something is up in my brain and it’s not normal and it’s scary and i guess i just don’t know if i’m ever going to get the closure i need or want.
so maybe this was a dumb idea but i had to get it out of my brain somehow. and maybe we’ll never end up the way i envision it in amalia’s fantasy dream world happy pony castle land because like life is hard and i don’t actually know anything about what you want and i don’t really know what i want but i know i can’t ignore how i feel. and then sometimes i start to think maybe i just want attention and maybe i’m just a shitty person that doesn’t actually know how to love anyone and is incapable of caring for anyone but herself. and maybe i just want attention from the hardest possible person to get it from. well.. i could probably write a book on how i feel about us and you and me and how fucking confused i am and how i’m probably never going to date again because it’s just too hard.
maybe this is my closure? anyway, you’re in france. i hope you’re having an alright time at least. if you don’t feel anything or have anything to say or think it’s a bad idea to talk to me don’t feel obligated to respond. just don’t respond with “cool” or something like that if you do.